Above: Chinese Steamed Rockfish

What you’ll learn:

• Essential fish picking calisthenics to maximize your potential
• Highly effective fish-picking strategies
• The ideal way of steaming fish

When I go home to visit my Mom, I always ask for this dish, Chinese Steamed Fish. Mom lives in Los Angeles, where there is an Asian market on every street corner. Most have live fish tanks where you can choose which lucky fella gets to come home with you for a dinner date. Steaming is the purest and the most delicious way to cook fresh fish. We top it with soy sauce, cilantro, ginger, green onion slivers, and pour sizzling hot peanut oil all over the fish. You’ll taste the delicate, sweet flavor of the fish.

“Pick out your own fish to slaughter!?” you ask, squeamishly? Absolutely. My Asian friends know the routine. You arrive at the market early in the morning, when you are most alert and the fish are happy, having just eaten their breakfast. Stand in front of the fish tank.

But hold it.

Before you even start looking at the fish, you must do some simple, but essential calisthenic exercises to maximize your fish-picking-potential.

Chinese Steamed Fish Picking Calisthenics

1) First, stand tall, feet shoulder-width apart. Arms up over head and and stretch leeffffttttt. Now riiiiigggghhhhtttt. Good. This helps you warm up and be limber. You may run in place for 30 seconds.

2) Eyes straight ahead, hands to hips. Without moving head, eyes look left. right. straight. circles now. counterclockwise. Perfect. This helps your eyes follow your desired fish in the tank. Because you know. Fish move around.

3) Dominant arm up, pointer finger out and in a relaxed yet confident manner, point left. right. up. down. wiggle. Come on, feel it. Make it burn! Do a little John Travolta move. This exercise help flex your pointer finger to point out desired fish to your fishmonger as the fish swims around trying to avoid you. Yes, you’ll look stupid, but you’re a foodie and you’ll do anything for the freshest fish. Alright. Now you are ready, my friend.

Chinese Steamed Fish-Picking Strategies

The best way to describe how to pick a good fish is to compare it to picking up a guy at a bar.

Rule #1. Don’t pick the ones that are passed out at the bar. The upside down ones are deadbeats. duh!

Rule #2 Don’t pick the super fast with jerky movements either, he’s way too nervous, excited and will (ahem) too early. The courtship will be over before you even know it and you’ll be left totally unsatisfied.

Rule #3 Don’t pick out the biggest, most muscular fish. He’s too busy checking himself out in the reflection of the tank to even notice you anyways. His muscles are too tough and you’ll be chewing ’til next November.

Rule #4 Go for a fish that is relaxed, laid back, confident and having a good time. Nice skin, not too flashy, no body piercings and kind eyes. Because a happy fish is a good eating fish. All them endorphins in its little body makes his meat sweet.

So, lets say you live in Florida, the sunshine state that is surrounded…not 1…not 2…but 3 sides with water that is abundant with seafood…..but your markets don’t have live fish tanks and all they sell is defrosted fillets. No worries. just use those fillets, but talk to your fishmonger to make sure those fillets haven’t been sitting in the case for days. You want as fresh as possible…unless you’re in Florida you’ll just ask for “just defrosted” fillets. Better yet, see if they have any fillets still frozen. Look in the freezer case. Ok, I know, I’m bitching…but come on Florida – don’t be squeamish about live fish!!